Archive for mind

It has been a long time

Posted in introspective, Life, lost, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Reads, Society, This May Help U!, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2017 by vixstar1314

I am aware that I have not blogged for several months. I am not sure why this is. I still have lots of feelings and thoughts embedded within me, and still require it to be unloaded. However I may have been trying to not process my thoughts as much as I have use to. Whether that has done me good or not I cannot say for sure.

Anyways I was on the bus recently and I thought of you, my blog. The trigger was from thinking of my past and the super tough time I had gone through many many years ago and how that part of me was still placed somewhere within this blog.

I guess this post is more of a self-reflection post.

Several years ago there was a very long period of time, almost a year when I had fallen extremely deep into a black hole. This was mainly due to someone, but it wasn’t helped with the situations and confusion that I felt during that point in my life. Also because of the way I am and how often I feel more darkness than most so this spiral much further than it should had. Whereby I was left extremely unsure if I could or even wanted to come back up from it. It got to a stage when I had been in it for so long that I started to believe this was the norm and I should just give up on trying.

I must admit I still find myself daily feeling a very strong dark bubble around me, at times like I am struggling to breathe. I don’t believe I have actually tried to put it in words before as such. Well lets just say I get a lot of negative thoughts and that most days I struggle to pull myself out of bed. The thought of it makes me rather sad. However the bad thing is, I know that my life isn’t terrible and nothing is specifically wrong so I should be alright, yet I am not and that baffles me, but I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness within me that I cannot quite explain to myself or others. But over time I have learnt to manage it as well as I could. However every month or so I do burn out and break down. I somehow release the emotions and the cycle begins again.

It isn’t anywhere as bad as it use to be but now I know I can never get rid of it. It is a part of my life.

I believe I have now found a name for it and realised it exists elsewhere aside from within my mind and body. It is High function depression.

Reading this article  on huffington post gave me clarity and made me feek less alone and abnormal. From gaining a better understanding of it I have been able to feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.

 

The untold and unfinish but understandable story

Posted in Creativity, introspective, Life, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , on April 19, 2016 by vixstar1314

It was always going to be unfinished.

From the moment when I finally realised what had happened, how overtime my feelings, your feelings, our feelings had developed and interconnected, I foresaw the not so complete ending.My gut feeling, my inkling was strong and accurate however this didn’t soften the blow in the end. I knew it was coming but it was never easy or possible to dissolve the feelings that were engraved into me.

After all that had happened, after the years that had past. The unbearable pains that torn through every corner of my insides, the sleepless nights, the buckets of tears and the restless days. Here I am today. 

So much untold and unfinish and today won’t be the day they are unwrapped but I have an understanding of what I have been through, how you were and still are good in my eyes. I have yet to fully escape but I think I never will. After everything I still can’t leave all the feelings behind. You are still part of my thoughts, less than before, but still presence some days and nights. Most of the time it brings me comfort now rather than pain. I guess time does heal aspects no matter what.

I could never really define how and why it all started but I knew why and how it had to be an unfinished ending.

This is the story I will never be able to completely write…

 

 

The non existence

Posted in Creativity, introspective, Life, This May Help U!, Thoughts with tags , , , , on March 10, 2016 by vixstar1314

The non existence of “fair”

There is nothing in this world which can be said is fair. Aside from the word itself that exists.

There will never be perfection.

Even though this is known, at times I struggle to make peace with this. Of how sometimes grey exists. Of how this world is, how there are so many wrongs. So many unfairness and unbalance. Thus I try to convince myself just to let it be….

Partial clone of me

Posted in introspective, Life, Personal, Thoughts, Time with tags , , , , , on August 24, 2015 by vixstar1314

My blog is a place where parts of my mind and life “lives.”

It is like a partial clone of me.

Wired brains

Posted in Creativity, introspective, Life, Personal with tags , , , , , on July 2, 2015 by vixstar1314

The beauty and flaw of humans is that we are all wired so differently whether that is from culture, environment, personalities, characteristics, backgrounds etc… We all are unique. Sometimes I find this difficult to accept because I struggle to understand why some people would act or behave in certain ways that seem so incorrect, unethical, inhumane, wrong, absurd, evil, mean, stupid or selfish. Even though somewhere in my heart and brain I should know that every one is different and what I deem as right, reasonable or ethical to some may not. Such contradiction troubles my mind far too often.

WiredBrain

I retreat

Posted in God, introspective, Life, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , on May 24, 2015 by vixstar1314

It was music, blogging and books that made me think perhaps I ain’t really alone.

Life is actually so much more difficult when I am more conscious and aware of everything around and inside me.

There are so many times when I want to be away from society away from this black hole that tries so relentlessly to suck people into the lure of its so call “beauty,” “norms,” “how to behave and conform to the mass” with materialistic, culture, money, greed, reputation, fake and hollow empty world that I cannot accept nor willingly conform into. Thus, I retreat into my own inner world for salvation to find God.

The difference for me between my mind thinking and what I say…

Posted in Creativity, introspective, Life, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Thoughts with tags , , , , on April 16, 2015 by vixstar1314

ThinkSay_Mind

The difference for me between my mind thinking and what I say…

Why?

Because I know most will not understand or get the deepness of my thoughts.

Life Lessons

an Owner's Guide

Destiny Of Life

What makes Life Precious is that it has to end.

Fun in the Fire

On this site, I muse in amusement.

breaths of my soul

Aspiration, the act of drawing breath, a hope or ambition of achieving something. "But it is a spirit in man, And the breath of the Almighty gives them understanding. Job 32:8

CAROL's WORLD

Something for Everyone!

BY's Art

Doodling and Drawing Life