Archive for depression

RIP Chester Bennington may you find peace in the beyond

Posted in Creativity, Event, Life, lost, Lyrics, Mind - Psychology, Music, Personal, Society, Songs, soundtrack, This May Help U!, Thoughts, Time with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2017 by vixstar1314

Mental health illness of depression and suicide are real things.
It is scary because they are demons others can’t truly hear or see. But for the people who suffer from it, it’s rather constant because the thoughts are always there. It’s so difficult to be able to shut them out and escape.depression.jpg

Over the years these have gotten worse and more and more people suffer from it. On some levels the awareness is being bought to more people’s attention.
Just a few days ago the suicide of : Chester Bennington rocked the world as a whole. Linkin Park’s music had save millions and for Chester it saved him for two decades as well but finally the pain within got too much.

Chester B.jpg

Imagine for him to sing these lyrics that he wrote, must have both been a way of releasing it from inside but also from seeing his eyes during live performances you would notice it was quite painful to associate these words to his past and memories. Music was definitely a hemisphere where he would go to escape and to express so much inside that he had built up.

From the words in many of the songs it clearly depicts his life journey, thoughts, darkness, happiness and emotions. So much power in these words alone. Let alone what was actually going on inside his heart and mind must have been a billion times more.

To have to result to taking that final step of taking his own life after experiencing the outcome of what happened when his friend Chris Cornell took his life and knowing the impact of it all and how hurt and hard it was on his family, friends and fans. Meant he really couldn’t take it anymore.
Suicide is never so clear-cut, you cannot blame the person who did it and you definitely feel so sorry for those they leave behind.

The very scary thing is, from experience I think a lot of people who have or are going through deep depression know that deep deep down they have locked a specific demon away as hard as they can. The demon that whispers to them to end it all. This is one of the hardest thing to do because it continues to fight so often to try to come out.
When I hear the lyrics from Linkin Park’s Leave out all the rest:

“When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest”

I feel like something inside of Chester knew one day if it happened when that demon manages to come out and he cannot take it anymore these words are to all those he loved and cared about to ask for their forgiveness but also giving them the power to continue on without him. Hence why this song is one of my favourite from them because these words are something that echo more than just simple words but stringing it all together provides an explanation on some level.

I truly hope all those gentle souls who were unable to find peace in this world can in the beyond.

 

RIP

It has been a long time

Posted in introspective, Life, lost, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Reads, Society, This May Help U!, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2017 by vixstar1314

I am aware that I have not blogged for several months. I am not sure why this is. I still have lots of feelings and thoughts embedded within me, and still require it to be unloaded. However I may have been trying to not process my thoughts as much as I have use to. Whether that has done me good or not I cannot say for sure.

Anyways I was on the bus recently and I thought of you, my blog. The trigger was from thinking of my past and the super tough time I had gone through many many years ago and how that part of me was still placed somewhere within this blog.

I guess this post is more of a self-reflection post.

Several years ago there was a very long period of time, almost a year when I had fallen extremely deep into a black hole. This was mainly due to someone, but it wasn’t helped with the situations and confusion that I felt during that point in my life. Also because of the way I am and how often I feel more darkness than most so this spiral much further than it should had. Whereby I was left extremely unsure if I could or even wanted to come back up from it. It got to a stage when I had been in it for so long that I started to believe this was the norm and I should just give up on trying.

I must admit I still find myself daily feeling a very strong dark bubble around me, at times like I am struggling to breathe. I don’t believe I have actually tried to put it in words before as such. Well lets just say I get a lot of negative thoughts and that most days I struggle to pull myself out of bed. The thought of it makes me rather sad. However the bad thing is, I know that my life isn’t terrible and nothing is specifically wrong so I should be alright, yet I am not and that baffles me, but I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness within me that I cannot quite explain to myself or others. But over time I have learnt to manage it as well as I could. However every month or so I do burn out and break down. I somehow release the emotions and the cycle begins again.

It isn’t anywhere as bad as it use to be but now I know I can never get rid of it. It is a part of my life.

I believe I have now found a name for it and realised it exists elsewhere aside from within my mind and body. It is High function depression.

Reading this article  on huffington post gave me clarity and made me feek less alone and abnormal. From gaining a better understanding of it I have been able to feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.

 

She wants to leave

Posted in Creativity, Event, introspective, Life, Personal, Society, This May Help U!, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2013 by vixstar1314

She wants to leave,

she no longer really cares about her life,

but at the same time there are certain things she cares too much about.

Combining these two together,

results in her days and night being so dark,

that she just wants to stay in bed,

the space where she finds comfort, solidarity.

She stands staring out into the world she use to know,

here_I stand

but now she just sees darkness,

reverse

even though she knows the world should be multi-colors.

Having both the depression and anxiety is insanely difficult,

trying to live and deal with these takes every breath she has.

She only wants to share her thoughts,

so that people who feel and think the same as her,

know that they are not alone.

She said this:

I am no longer scared of the darkness outside,
because I have seen the darkest nights in my mind.
When the impossible becomes possible.
When the howls become so real it causes severe anxiety.

I have always been someone who was nothing or all (the extreme) there was no in the middle, however this was only apparent within me. When I was quiet I completely shut down. When I was motivated I was full steam ahead. I could only see black or white. There was no in between of grey. I was either really logical or really irrational. When I was logical I would be able to analyze every aspect in detail rationally in my mind. When I fell, whether that was for something or someone I would fall hard. Obsessive. Irrational. I was aware of this, yet unable to control it. This caused massive contradiction and pain within me. However the older I got the more reality started to brutally slip in. It was necessary, but I am struggling to adapt to this change. To make matters worse, a lot of key aspects in my life decided to all collapse onto me one after the other. I tried to push on, tried to hold on but it was like all the pillars holding me up cracked and then fell one by one and they got heavier and heavier.

The world is now on my shoulders.

Family. Love. Friendship. Career. Money. All pushing me downwards.

pillars

It feels like it has completely shot me down to rock bottom.

collapsed_broken_shattered

The scariest bit is when I look into the mirror and I barely recognize the reflection looking back at me. I have forgotten how it feels to be happy. It has been like this day in day out, weeks and months went by that it has become the norm. The worse is when I know I am self destructing but I can’t stop myself from destroying the inner me, and now it is starting to show on the outside too, as I start to not care anymore. It has gotten to stages when I zone out. It scares me. I feel so numb. I just drift by each day. Day in day out. No aim. Just that I am tired of going down so many paths but have ended up nowhere and having to go backwards. Back and forth. The energy is leaking. The despair is just growing. I am trying to get up but the process is proving to be very demanding.

I came across the below post and it was very refreshing and true. I am trying to take the advice within it into account, along with the quotes below.

http://christinekane.com/do-you-take-all-or-nothing-to-the-extreme/

In addition, going back to basic: the harder a bouncing ball hits the ground, the higher it will bounce back up. Hoping it is the same theory for life.

rock bottom I

rock bottom II

Disappointing

Posted in God, introspective, Life, Personal, Reads, Society, Story, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2012 by vixstar1314

This world can be so disappointing at times.

The situations, the actions, the results, the people in it makes me wonder how flawed it all is. I understand that it is the way it is for a reason, and that God had done it this way for a reason. Even though we cannot see it, we ought to put faith into it all. Nevertheless this still causes parts within me to hurt and die a little when too many things go wrong at the same time for such a long period of time it feels never ending, or really sad things happen. The dark parts within me echoes and I feel a sense of helplessness.

I guess anyone that has been in a state of depression for some time all feel a sense of being very lost, and not knowing what to do anymore and gets to a stage of really not caring about anything because it has gotten too much.

For example when I saw the below video the parts about no one understanding, being alone, holding on for so long, living in a nightmare and not being about to wake up hit home a lot

How has the world become so messed up that kids so young can feel so isolated?

Had nothing changed over the years where those who suffer from psychological problems continue to feel so lonely and unaided even in today’s world?

Have there not been enough advancement in stuff that matter most?

Bullying no matter how little can cause scaring and significant pain to people, don’t do it.

R.I.P Olivia Liv Penpraze. Time has passed but the world has not forgotten about you.

Song today:

Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade

“Katie, don’t cry, I know
You’re trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we shared
Ocala is calling and you know it’s haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so

Let’s not pretend like you’re alone tonight
(I know he’s there and)
You’re probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I’ll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she’ll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I’ll be miserable at best

You’re all that I hoped I’d find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn’t take
Cause nothing feels like home, you’re a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I’m good for something
I just haven’t found it yet
But I need it

So let’s not pretend like you’re alone tonight
(I know he’s there and)
You’re probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I’ll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she’ll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I’ll be miserable at best

Ladada ladada ladadaoh ohhh

And this will be the first time in a week
That I’ll talk to you
And I can’t speak
It’s been three whole days since I’ve had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I’m not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly

So let’s not pretend like you’re alone tonight
(I know he’s there and)
You’re probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I’ll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she’ll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I’ll be miserable
And I can live without you
But without you I’ll be miserable
And I can live without you
Oh, without you I’ll be miserable at best”

I want to say please help each other, no one should have to suffer these kind of pain and loneliness alone. This doesn’t make them weak, everyone needs some help sometimes in life. Even when life seems bleak remember ending it will be for eternity, whereas living on will warrant endless possiblilities it may not seem like it now but no one can predict what your own future holds. Please hold on, ride the storm, you may become weaker but eventually you will come out stronger. If all fails remember God has your back and will always look out for you.

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