It has been a long time

Posted in introspective, Life, lost, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Reads, Society, This May Help U!, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2017 by vixstar1314

I am aware that I have not blogged for several months. I am not sure why this is. I still have lots of feelings and thoughts embedded within me, and still require it to be unloaded. However I may have been trying to not process my thoughts as much as I have use to. Whether that has done me good or not I cannot say for sure.

Anyways I was on the bus recently and I thought of you, my blog. The trigger was from thinking of my past and the super tough time I had gone through many many years ago and how that part of me was still placed somewhere within this blog.

I guess this post is more of a self-reflection post.

Several years ago there was a very long period of time, almost a year when I had fallen extremely deep into a black hole. This was mainly due to someone, but it wasn’t helped with the situations and confusion that I felt during that point in my life. Also because of the way I am and how often I feel more darkness than most so this spiral much further than it should had. Whereby I was left extremely unsure if I could or even wanted to come back up from it. It got to a stage when I had been in it for so long that I started to believe this was the norm and I should just give up on trying.

I must admit I still find myself daily feeling a very strong dark bubble around me, at times like I am struggling to breathe. I don’t believe I have actually tried to put it in words before as such. Well lets just say I get a lot of negative thoughts and that most days I struggle to pull myself out of bed. The thought of it makes me rather sad. However the bad thing is, I know that my life isn’t terrible and nothing is specifically wrong so I should be alright, yet I am not and that baffles me, but I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness within me that I cannot quite explain to myself or others. But over time I have learnt to manage it as well as I could. However every month or so I do burn out and break down. I somehow release the emotions and the cycle begins again.

It isn’t anywhere as bad as it use to be but now I know I can never get rid of it. It is a part of my life.

I believe I have now found a name for it and realised it exists elsewhere aside from within my mind and body. It is High function depression.

Reading this article  on huffington post gave me clarity and made me feek less alone and abnormal. From gaining a better understanding of it I have been able to feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.




Posted in Life, lost, Personal, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , on October 27, 2016 by vixstar1314

There are some really dark stuff within me.
Thoughts, feelings, emotions about my life, life in general, future, the world.
They ain’t thoughts that are dark towards other people. But more really realistic perspective of the world.
It is said that depressed people have the most realistic view of the world. Maybe that is sort of what I have.
I live with these emotions daily. They peak, fall, balance and disappear unexpectedly. At best they linger behind me constantly and come out occassionally.I have done well to coexist with it all to the extent that people around me no nothing of the extent of these darkness within me, that I try so hard to bury.

Promises And Empty Words

Posted in Life, Lyrics, Songs, soundtrack with tags , , , , , on August 7, 2016 by vixstar1314

“Promises And Empty Words” – Scars on 45

Is there a reason why
That everyone I’ve known never let me down gently?
Between the loss and the lies
I’m always drowned out by silence
Drowned out by silence
Well, every word that you laid
Was selfish, you lass, and it hurt me from the first call
But now I know that I’m saved
You can keep all your silence
Keep all your silence
And no more waiting in a cold bed for you
I’ll never hear another lie fall out of your mouth
Your promises and empty words surround you
Why should I be the one
To give this everything?
If I could open my eyes
I’d know that everything you do never catches me falling
And with the times that we fight
There’s a home filled with silence
Home filled with silence
And no more waiting in a cold bed for you
I’ll never hear another lie fall out of your mouth
Your promises and empty words surround you
Why should I be the one
To give this everything?
And no more waiting in a cold bed for you
I’ll never hear another lie fall out of your mouth
Your promises and empty words surround you
Why should I be the one?
Why should I be the one?

Voice Of A Friend

Posted in Creativity, Life, Lyrics, Music, Songs, soundtrack with tags , , , , on June 7, 2016 by vixstar1314

“Voice Of A Friend” ~ Blue October

Light the fire in this castle
Watch it burn into a glow
By the river fear of quite sincere
There’s a draw bridge life support.
There’s a plank we’ll have to crawl upon
But dare not look below
Where the water scene is crystal clean
Where the clouds are raining snow

Hush hush baby
there’s a lot of other ways to choke
We’re in the freak show now
and we’re dealing with a mind of its own
when too many worlds collide
I’d like to think it would be good if we talked
I ask you to not leave my side
I can’t, man,
This is quicksand alone

So I ask you thru the voice of a friend
Why don’t you stay with me

We’re a submarine submerging
Simply smiling at the earth
We’re sending roses to the loved ones
Who had a hand in our rebirth
But still another day I’ll cling to you
For faint directions home
Where we all will sit with open arms
To block the rocks we’ve thrown

Hush hush baby
There’s a lot of other ways to choke
We’re in the freak show now
And we’re dealing with a mind of its own
When too many worlds collide
I’d like to think it would be good if we talk
I ask you to not leave my side
I can’t, man,
This is quicksand alone

So I ask you thru the voice of a friend
“Why don’t you stay with me?”
I ask you thru the voice of a friend
“Why don’t you stay with me?
Stay with me.”

Feeling like Nothing

Posted in Life on May 29, 2016 by vixstar1314

The scariest parts are when you look into the mirror and you barely recognise the reflection looking back at you. You have forgotten how it feels to be happy. You have been so use to feeling like crap that it has become the norm. You see everyone around you “living” and you are just stuck.

The worse is when you know you are self destructive but you can’t stop yourself from destroying the inner you. On the outside you “smile” but on the inside you no longer have the ability to care about much. It has gotten to stages when you zone out, as it is more comforting to live in an imaginary world. It scares you knowing you prefer the unrealistic to reality. But you don’t know how to stand back up. So much is just so numb. You just drift by each day, day in day out. No aim. Just remembering you have to breathe in and out. You are tired of going down so many paths but have ended nowhere and having to go backwards. Back and forth. The energy is just going in. The despair is just growing.

I just want to start again. In starting again I mean back to the beginning, existence. Or better still never existing.

I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and I have been so broken for so long. I don’t know how to stand back up.

This gives me a glimpse of hope….

Sandra B: “I’ve been on the floor and I’ve been heartbroken. I didn’t know how I was going to stand up. But I just gave it time.

‘You don’t think it will pass when you’re in the middle of it, but it does. I’m so lucky to have what I have. I have a beautiful child and friends and family I adore.’

The Oscar-winning actress credits Louis for helping her to look at the world differently and giving her a new sense of perspective.

She said: ‘I was OK about being alone but when you have a child everything is about exploration and being around other kids and being out in the world and seeing things.

‘So now I see things through his eyes. I haven’t ever gone out and explored and done things before like I have in the last three years.

‘I have the best life right now because I’m enjoying every single moment of this amazing human being. I’m learning how to have a good time through him… I’ve got everything I want, and it couldn’t be sweeter, better or more fulfilling.”

The crave in

Posted in Event, Life, lost, Thoughts on May 14, 2016 by vixstar1314

When your world feels like it has just craved in.

You are lost for words and even feelings.

When everything feels so numb around you.

The shock, the confusion, the anger, the frustration, the unknown all becomes overwhelming.

Time stops for those split seconds.

However the pain is the only thing that exist in that space.

When it passes it doesn’t feel any better, just more real. More longer lasting.


The untold and unfinish but understandable story

Posted in Creativity, introspective, Life, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , on April 19, 2016 by vixstar1314

It was always going to be unfinished.

From the moment when I finally realised what had happened, how overtime my feelings, your feelings, our feelings had developed and interconnected, I foresaw the not so complete ending.My gut feeling, my inkling was strong and accurate however this didn’t soften the blow in the end. I knew it was coming but it was never easy or possible to dissolve the feelings that were engraved into me.

After all that had happened, after the years that had past. The unbearable pains that torn through every corner of my insides, the sleepless nights, the buckets of tears and the restless days. Here I am today. 

So much untold and unfinish and today won’t be the day they are unwrapped but I have an understanding of what I have been through, how you were and still are good in my eyes. I have yet to fully escape but I think I never will. After everything I still can’t leave all the feelings behind. You are still part of my thoughts, less than before, but still presence some days and nights. Most of the time it brings me comfort now rather than pain. I guess time does heal aspects no matter what.

I could never really define how and why it all started but I knew why and how it had to be an unfinished ending.

This is the story I will never be able to completely write…



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