Archive for the introspective Category

INFJ

Posted in Creativity, Event, introspective, Life with tags , , , , on March 27, 2017 by vixstar1314

Lately I have remembered the day when I had the light bulb day discovery.

When 4 seemingly simple letters finally helped me come to terms with who I am.
The day I realised that I wasnt alone or freakishly odd and different.

For so long I wasn’t able to put it into words why I was different.

The day I discovered I was rare but not alone in this world.
When I knew I was special and when so much of my past behaviour finally made sense. The pieces finally started to connect nicely together to bring me some peace.

I managed to find the post of what I wrote when I found out and thought I would share it with you. Maybe an INFJ lands on my page and this article with make them feel less alone and find more answers.

 

“GREETINGS, to other INFJ’s!!! Today I finally realised I’m not innately faulty. I had been trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me for far too long. Finally 24 years later, I’m much closer to being at peace with myself and this world.

I became a TRUE MINORITY but strangely enough it was a big relief. To realise I’m NOT ALONE, (I can finally quote the Michael Jackson song to myself and FELLOW INFJ’s – “You are not alone”)
Even if it is just with another 1% of the population has been great. I’m not the only one.

It has been deeply refreshing to have so much light finally shed on “inner me”, to see so many pieces that I have been clutching onto for so long fall into places in such short time. After being given a definition of what I am, has made a lot of things clearer and easier now, but at the same time it makes a lot of things that much harder because of knowing that the world I am living in barely knows INFJ’s exist and how the world itself appears to “value” all other types more so than the INFJ’s.

I guess people like us may have in the past felt even more alienated, before the “birth of the internet”. With the growing influence and power of the internet it has blown a much needed breath of fresh air into the lives of INFJ’s. We have been provided with a platform to comfortably “drop” and “express” our thoughts, feelings and ideas in ways that were previously not so open. More importantly it has allowed us to find out much more about ourselves, to acknowledge that we are not the only strange fishes in the sea. There are others. Yes it is true that there are not many like us; however the internet has allowed us to “find others like us.”

I have often wondered why I see so much around me and inside me, but have been unable to express it freely with others. There are many times when I need to be alone, to think, to reflect, to collect my thoughts and views of numerous aspects in this world. I didn’t understand why no one around me needed to do the same. (I have never known another INFJ or knew of the existence). Why they constantly need to meet up, socialise and talk. I do enjoy this at small dosages but too much would cause my inside to reach overdrive. I would enjoy hours and even days in the company of myself, to lock away myself from the constant buzz of the outside world. I had previously continuously thought something was really wrong with me inside. I felt as if I had split personalities, because I would find it hard to at times to figure myself out. Around my close friends I was bubbly, talkative, active, funny and at comfort. Yet with people I didn’t know, work colleagues, social gatherings I could not help but zone out, become quiet, shy, awkward and appear anti-social. I knew I was doing it but I couldn’t stop or change. Then there were cases where I would help total strangers and wouldn’t be shy in those moments.

A part of me deep down always knew that I had depth, I was thoughtful, I could see things that others may not notice, there was something different about me, but I didn’t know what nor understand how it worked or why I was the way I was.

Today it clicked into place!!!! *I am an INFJ*

With such qualities that we possess:
articulate
– thoughtfulness
– intuitive
observant
– enjoy music, writing and art (which can be seen as solo activities)
– empathic and sensitivity: through the ability to empathise with the concerns of other people and the world.
– clarify of visions: as we often contemplate the complexity of the meaning of life,future and the world.
– valuing deep and close relationships.
– excellent listeners.

Also comes with it many flaws:
– we can be embroiled in solitude.
– incoherent thoughts
– appear to the outside world as someone who is reserved, antisocial, aloof and distant in communication.
– our brains are constantly thinking and ticking away, which can cause ourselves to feel like we have gone into overdrive mode, leaving us feeling drained and tired.
– being seen as too complex and a sheer mystery that refuses to connect with others, creating lots of misunderstanding.
– only being able to share and connect with a hand full of people
– INFJ’s are not easy to live with.
– as connections are strong and rare with others, when these are damaged or broken it will cause deep pain and distress which can shatter INFJ’s to lengths that are unimaginable.
– being able to see through people on so many levels that INFJ’s are able to sense the good and bad in people and situations can trouble our mindset.

Let’s break it down into notches: for the first time in my life I know you as INFJ’s are seeing the world and my views through the same lenses =)

Family: If I had only realised what I am, then you have guessed right they were not aware of who I am. Therefore being around family members can at times feel very demanding, because they are constantly in the same environment as you, yet you need space very often. So this has not been easy. At times I know they think something is really wrong with me inside. This is understandable, because I thought that too. But at the same time they have not been too accepting. However I guess if you are not sure what you were dealing with it is like searching for something in the dark but not knowing what exactly you are searching for. So it makes it a million times harder to get. For them to get you and for you to get them you need to learn more about each other.

Work: Can be difficult because others don’t understand us, because they have rarely been associated with people like us. Even worse cases, they don’t even know we exist. What hurts most is that we perceive and understand how they see us, what they think we are, but we cannot change this misconception. It is hard to juggle work life if the job you are in clashes deeply with being an INFJ. I know this feeling far too well. Especially since I have been in the work world for about three years without knowing “who I truly am” and why so many aspects seemed so difficult. I pray and hope now that I know I’m an INFJ things may start to change for the better.

Friendship: In the case of your “friends” at times it can be hard to maintain these relationships because you dip in and out of their life, wanting to show them more of you. Furthermore because at times they are so different to you it is hard for them to understand you and for you to reveal yourself and connect with them. However at the same time you do value their friendship. For those that are your “close/special friends” the connection is great beyond words, they are not INFJ’s but they get you in ways that so little people do, you feel so comfortable around them and deeply value these friendships and hold them close to your heart. Unfortunately I can say that one of these friendships I had was severely damaged. The pain was crushing. I didn’t and on some levels still don’t know how to come back from it. Any ideas? Your thoughts and experience are deeply appreciated.

Relationships/ soul mate: These definitely don’t seem to be easy, I have only had a few relationships and each time they don’t last nor work out, I now understand a bit more as to why, from learning that I am an INFJ. Yet a part of me continues to hope and believe that in this complex world there is more out there.

Energy: I don’t know if other INFJ’s feel the same, but I feel in today’s society and lifestyle my energy gets drained quicker. The bursts of energy I experience are short and not often. I am still trying to figure out why that is. I do know there are ways to “recharge” myself but in this “buzzing and busy world” at times this is not easy to do.

View of the world/life and that bigger picture: I see the world as being very complex and needs to be explored and understood yet can never be fully comprehended. But this does not mean I stop thinking or reflecting about it and about life. I continue to want to help others, so much so that sometimes it hurts because I know for a fact that suffering and pain will never end. But I guess every little bit of assistance is helpful and is worth something. I am aware that the world is full of beauty but at the same time flaws.

It was nice to be able to share the above with you, I have felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I hope reading this has given you something in return as much as it has given me calm and peace in writing this. Any ideas, thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated.”

It has been a long time

Posted in introspective, Life, lost, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Reads, Society, This May Help U!, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2017 by vixstar1314

I am aware that I have not blogged for several months. I am not sure why this is. I still have lots of feelings and thoughts embedded within me, and still require it to be unloaded. However I may have been trying to not process my thoughts as much as I have use to. Whether that has done me good or not I cannot say for sure.

Anyways I was on the bus recently and I thought of you, my blog. The trigger was from thinking of my past and the super tough time I had gone through many many years ago and how that part of me was still placed somewhere within this blog.

I guess this post is more of a self-reflection post.

Several years ago there was a very long period of time, almost a year when I had fallen extremely deep into a black hole. This was mainly due to someone, but it wasn’t helped with the situations and confusion that I felt during that point in my life. Also because of the way I am and how often I feel more darkness than most so this spiral much further than it should had. Whereby I was left extremely unsure if I could or even wanted to come back up from it. It got to a stage when I had been in it for so long that I started to believe this was the norm and I should just give up on trying.

I must admit I still find myself daily feeling a very strong dark bubble around me, at times like I am struggling to breathe. I don’t believe I have actually tried to put it in words before as such. Well lets just say I get a lot of negative thoughts and that most days I struggle to pull myself out of bed. The thought of it makes me rather sad. However the bad thing is, I know that my life isn’t terrible and nothing is specifically wrong so I should be alright, yet I am not and that baffles me, but I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness within me that I cannot quite explain to myself or others. But over time I have learnt to manage it as well as I could. However every month or so I do burn out and break down. I somehow release the emotions and the cycle begins again.

It isn’t anywhere as bad as it use to be but now I know I can never get rid of it. It is a part of my life.

I believe I have now found a name for it and realised it exists elsewhere aside from within my mind and body. It is High function depression.

Reading this article  on huffington post gave me clarity and made me feek less alone and abnormal. From gaining a better understanding of it I have been able to feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.

 

The untold and unfinish but understandable story

Posted in Creativity, introspective, Life, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , on April 19, 2016 by vixstar1314

It was always going to be unfinished.

From the moment when I finally realised what had happened, how overtime my feelings, your feelings, our feelings had developed and interconnected, I foresaw the not so complete ending.My gut feeling, my inkling was strong and accurate however this didn’t soften the blow in the end. I knew it was coming but it was never easy or possible to dissolve the feelings that were engraved into me.

After all that had happened, after the years that had past. The unbearable pains that torn through every corner of my insides, the sleepless nights, the buckets of tears and the restless days. Here I am today. 

So much untold and unfinish and today won’t be the day they are unwrapped but I have an understanding of what I have been through, how you were and still are good in my eyes. I have yet to fully escape but I think I never will. After everything I still can’t leave all the feelings behind. You are still part of my thoughts, less than before, but still presence some days and nights. Most of the time it brings me comfort now rather than pain. I guess time does heal aspects no matter what.

I could never really define how and why it all started but I knew why and how it had to be an unfinished ending.

This is the story I will never be able to completely write…

 

 

Pray

Posted in introspective, Life, Personal, Thoughts with tags , , on March 25, 2016 by vixstar1314

Praying is a very special action. However you will find people all do it differently. Some find they have to pray together, some loudly, some quietly, some alone, some when they need it most, it ranges so much.

I personally like to pray when I am alone, when it is quiet so that I can talk to God. I like it to be privately. The strange thing is that so often I know I pray for people who don’t even give me a second thought at night. Yet I still pray for them. Sometimes I ask myself why do I still bother then? I guess in my heart praying for them to be safe and healthy and it coming true brings me comfort, to know that they are ok is more than enough.  

The non existence

Posted in Creativity, introspective, Life, This May Help U!, Thoughts with tags , , , , on March 10, 2016 by vixstar1314

The non existence of “fair”

There is nothing in this world which can be said is fair. Aside from the word itself that exists.

There will never be perfection.

Even though this is known, at times I struggle to make peace with this. Of how sometimes grey exists. Of how this world is, how there are so many wrongs. So many unfairness and unbalance. Thus I try to convince myself just to let it be….

Where is home?

Posted in introspective, Life, lost, Lyrics, Songs, soundtrack on March 1, 2016 by vixstar1314

I often wonder to myself, where is home?

Which brings me to this home I heard sometime ago……

Lost & Far From Home – Katie Costello

With her head on her pillow and her pain tucked under the sheets

Music playing softly without a steady beat
The TV flickers flames of color; it ignites the room
A black and white face, the colors escape, her heartache

She ran away, so far away
That the streets were no longer paved with lines
The soles of her feet weren’t as tough as she claimed them to be

She wiped her eyes, it was no surprise
That she was lost and far from home, strange unfamiliar signs
Little to coincide, however she packed her bags and made her way
Anywhere her feet could take her

With her arm around her keepsakes and her mind on her mistakes
She climbed a hill – one of a kind, numb to her step, she had to accept
Changed scenery, it was now clear to see torn petals on a flower of her past
Memories she hoped wouldn’t last

She ran away, so far away
That the streets were no longer paved with lines
The sole of her feet weren’t as tough as she claimed them to be

She wiped her eyes, it was no surprise
That she was lost and far from home, strange unfamiliar signs
Little to coincide, however she packed her bags and made her way
Anywhere her feet could take her

With her head on her pillow and her pain tucked under the sheets
Music playing softly without a steady beat, without a steady beat

Just because

Posted in introspective, Life, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Reads, Thoughts on February 24, 2016 by vixstar1314

Just because I have to live on, to stay alive, even if I don’t feel like it.

I am mainly kept alive by oxygen, even though breathing comes naturally, it feels like an effort.

Time never seems enough.

I often wonder what life is really about. Looking ahead, into a so-call future I see nothing as such. So they say live in the now, just because…

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