Archive for the Reads Category

It has been a long time

Posted in introspective, Life, lost, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Reads, Society, This May Help U!, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2017 by vixstar1314

I am aware that I have not blogged for several months. I am not sure why this is. I still have lots of feelings and thoughts embedded within me, and still require it to be unloaded. However I may have been trying to not process my thoughts as much as I have use to. Whether that has done me good or not I cannot say for sure.

Anyways I was on the bus recently and I thought of you, my blog. The trigger was from thinking of my past and the super tough time I had gone through many many years ago and how that part of me was still placed somewhere within this blog.

I guess this post is more of a self-reflection post.

Several years ago there was a very long period of time, almost a year when I had fallen extremely deep into a black hole. This was mainly due to someone, but it wasn’t helped with the situations and confusion that I felt during that point in my life. Also because of the way I am and how often I feel more darkness than most so this spiral much further than it should had. Whereby I was left extremely unsure if I could or even wanted to come back up from it. It got to a stage when I had been in it for so long that I started to believe this was the norm and I should just give up on trying.

I must admit I still find myself daily feeling a very strong dark bubble around me, at times like I am struggling to breathe. I don’t believe I have actually tried to put it in words before as such. Well lets just say I get a lot of negative thoughts and that most days I struggle to pull myself out of bed. The thought of it makes me rather sad. However the bad thing is, I know that my life isn’t terrible and nothing is specifically wrong so I should be alright, yet I am not and that baffles me, but I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness within me that I cannot quite explain to myself or others. But over time I have learnt to manage it as well as I could. However every month or so I do burn out and break down. I somehow release the emotions and the cycle begins again.

It isn’t anywhere as bad as it use to be but now I know I can never get rid of it. It is a part of my life.

I believe I have now found a name for it and realised it exists elsewhere aside from within my mind and body. It is High function depression.

Reading this article  on huffington post gave me clarity and made me feek less alone and abnormal. From gaining a better understanding of it I have been able to feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.

 

Just because

Posted in introspective, Life, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Reads, Thoughts on February 24, 2016 by vixstar1314

Just because I have to live on, to stay alive, even if I don’t feel like it.

I am mainly kept alive by oxygen, even though breathing comes naturally, it feels like an effort.

Time never seems enough.

I often wonder what life is really about. Looking ahead, into a so-call future I see nothing as such. So they say live in the now, just because…

Being able to step into 2016

Posted in introspective, Life, Personal, Reads, Society, This May Help U!, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on December 31, 2015 by vixstar1314

….is a gift.

Life and today isn’t a given. To have what you have today is already a gift. Treasure it, as you don’t know if tomorrow would come. Furthermore if you wish to go back to yesterday it is impossible.

As people say: live everyday like it is your last day and one day you will be right. Upon being on the last day of 2015 and approaching 2016, I see past and future. Old and new. Death and Life. We are guaranteed a mixture of these in our life time but often we cannot control them. Especially in today’s society I feel that there is higher risks all around us than ever before. Is it bad to feel unsafe in your own society, the world seems to have become a more scarier place. Therefore I would like to be able to control what I write and when it appears. I know tomorrow may come but I what to leave this behind in case it doesn’t. So when that day comes round I will be physically right one last time and I would like to convey the following:

The strangeness of it all is that upon reading this message it will truly be from the past into your future. Odd and sad but hopefully with a touch of much-needed answers and providing meaningful understanding about me over the years from reading my posts. There are so many times when I had not been able to put both my thoughts and feelings into speech and I guess that would be most difficult for those closest to me, my family. I have often not been able to say the simplest but truest aspect of I love you, I understand. But the truth is I really do.

Deep down within me I always felt like I could do good for this world, day-to-day I try to be a better person and citizen to fellow people. I believe there is good in us all. So lets all say bye to the bad and sad in 2015 and start a fresh in 2016, if we have that gift to step into 2016 treasure it and make it worth wild.

Flipping backwards to some old posts

Posted in Creativity, introspective, Life, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Reads, Thoughts with tags , , , , , on December 7, 2015 by vixstar1314

It is strange when I read back on some of my posts and writings, it is like deep down I have expressed so much but over time during each day I forget the essential aspects. They are forced out by daily routines, society’s so call “norms,” and the noises surrounding me constantly from other people. It brings me comfort when I re-read some profound old posts I have written which refreshes my frame of mind again. Brings out the real and meaningful aspects of life again. It reminds me I have grown and developed into as a good person even more than before. I may not have “grown” in the “traditional” way in terms of increase of money, however I have obtained what I believe is more worthy and valuable than money itself. Qualities and experiences that money cannot buy in any way. If I was to cease to exist in this world today, I can put my hand on my heart to say I have lived as much as I could in the time I have been given. I have consciously tried not to waste my time on meaningless aspects in life. I have spent my time on people and aspects that personally mean a lot to me.

Philosophy

Posted in Creativity, Personal, Reads, Society, Thoughts with tags , , , , on October 7, 2015 by vixstar1314

A great and deep phrase I came across today which I felt I had a duty to share to those who “believe” and “live” for a type of philosophy:

“Of all people only those are at leisure who make time for philosophy, only those are really alive” ~ Seneca

Home

Posted in Creativity, Event, introspective, Life, Lyrics, Music, Personal, Reads, Songs, Story with tags , , , , , , , on December 8, 2014 by vixstar1314

I & Home?

I would too often feel as if I am a spectator in my own life and in this world. Feeling as if I am constantly watching “normal” people go about their lives. Hoping to get some clarity or answers in this void I feel from time to time.

I struggle to fit in. I feel so alone. Even with family members I don’t seem to connect or fit in. I don’t understand why I don’t feel complete.

I see the world so differently from most people.

I wonder where home is for me, will there ever be somewhere I feel totally comfortable in……

I leave you with this beautiful song:

 

“Home” Michael Buble

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
This was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In either Paris or Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
And let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It’ll all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Choices – are they make or break?

Posted in Creativity, introspective, Life, Personal, Reads with tags , , on October 14, 2014 by vixstar1314

There are crucial moments in life which either end up making or breaking you.

Once again I find myself coming face to face with a few of these again.

They feel so important, yet there are times when I feel so helpless because so much of it is not down to me. They are choices that come from others which will in turn affect me. The weight of these on me are like mountains forced down onto my shoulders. I feel suffocated.

Then there are those that are choices I can make, they are heavy too however knowing I can control and decide them myself makes it much better.

However for me it is very difficult because I am someone who has a million thoughts zooming through my mind at a time, which is actually very exhausting. Not to mention the fact that I find it very hard to express my thoughts and feeling externally and there are times when I severely struggle to even get myself. I find typing helps brings the inner thoughts out easier. The art of free flow and free type is my salvation. Hence why I enjoy blogging so much.

I will leave you with a few choice quotes which I think are correctly portrayed.

Choices

BCD

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