Archive for the Personal Category

It has been a long time

Posted in introspective, Life, lost, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Reads, Society, This May Help U!, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2017 by vixstar1314

I am aware that I have not blogged for several months. I am not sure why this is. I still have lots of feelings and thoughts embedded within me, and still require it to be unloaded. However I may have been trying to not process my thoughts as much as I have use to. Whether that has done me good or not I cannot say for sure.

Anyways I was on the bus recently and I thought of you, my blog. The trigger was from thinking of my past and the super tough time I had gone through many many years ago and how that part of me was still placed somewhere within this blog.

I guess this post is more of a self-reflection post.

Several years ago there was a very long period of time, almost a year when I had fallen extremely deep into a black hole. This was mainly due to someone, but it wasn’t helped with the situations and confusion that I felt during that point in my life. Also because of the way I am and how often I feel more darkness than most so this spiral much further than it should had. Whereby I was left extremely unsure if I could or even wanted to come back up from it. It got to a stage when I had been in it for so long that I started to believe this was the norm and I should just give up on trying.

I must admit I still find myself daily feeling a very strong dark bubble around me, at times like I am struggling to breathe. I don’t believe I have actually tried to put it in words before as such. Well lets just say I get a lot of negative thoughts and that most days I struggle to pull myself out of bed. The thought of it makes me rather sad. However the bad thing is, I know that my life isn’t terrible and nothing is specifically wrong so I should be alright, yet I am not and that baffles me, but I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness within me that I cannot quite explain to myself or others. But over time I have learnt to manage it as well as I could. However every month or so I do burn out and break down. I somehow release the emotions and the cycle begins again.

It isn’t anywhere as bad as it use to be but now I know I can never get rid of it. It is a part of my life.

I believe I have now found a name for it and realised it exists elsewhere aside from within my mind and body. It is High function depression.

Reading this article  on huffington post gave me clarity and made me feek less alone and abnormal. From gaining a better understanding of it I have been able to feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.

 

Dark

Posted in Life, lost, Personal, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , on October 27, 2016 by vixstar1314

There are some really dark stuff within me.
Thoughts, feelings, emotions about my life, life in general, future, the world.
They ain’t thoughts that are dark towards other people. But more really realistic perspective of the world.
It is said that depressed people have the most realistic view of the world. Maybe that is sort of what I have.
I live with these emotions daily. They peak, fall, balance and disappear unexpectedly. At best they linger behind me constantly and come out occassionally.I have done well to coexist with it all to the extent that people around me no nothing of the extent of these darkness within me, that I try so hard to bury.

Pray

Posted in introspective, Life, Personal, Thoughts with tags , , on March 25, 2016 by vixstar1314

Praying is a very special action. However you will find people all do it differently. Some find they have to pray together, some loudly, some quietly, some alone, some when they need it most, it ranges so much.

I personally like to pray when I am alone, when it is quiet so that I can talk to God. I like it to be privately. The strange thing is that so often I know I pray for people who don’t even give me a second thought at night. Yet I still pray for them. Sometimes I ask myself why do I still bother then? I guess in my heart praying for them to be safe and healthy and it coming true brings me comfort, to know that they are ok is more than enough. ¬†

Memories

Posted in Life, Personal, Thoughts on March 21, 2016 by vixstar1314

Memories and songs can easily dig up thoughts that go back so long I fogotten they existed.

Time continues to go on.

Memories buried but can be digged up.

Fly

Posted in Creativity, Life, lost, Personal on February 27, 2016 by vixstar1314

My thoughts and feelings written in letters,

fly around and become doves,

going back to where they belong,

back to its purest form of nature itself.

fly.png

Just because

Posted in introspective, Life, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Reads, Thoughts on February 24, 2016 by vixstar1314

Just because I have to live on, to stay alive, even if I don’t feel like it.

I am mainly kept alive by oxygen, even though breathing comes naturally, it feels like an effort.

Time never seems enough.

I often wonder what life is really about. Looking ahead, into a so-call future I see nothing as such. So they say live in the now, just because…

Yesterday

Posted in Creativity, introspective, Life, lost, Personal, Thoughts with tags , , , , on February 4, 2016 by vixstar1314

Upon thinking and thus realizing that things are going to change and you will lose certain aspects is when your inside unravels, your true feelings, and views about stuff and people come up to the surface.

You realise how good yesterday was.

I will miss that in today.

Tomorrow is the changes but my heart will still be heavy.

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