Archive for the lost Category

Life is never easy.

Posted in Creativity, Life, lost, Personal, Thoughts on August 12, 2017 by vixstar1314

Life is never easy.

There are so many different things, confusion and pain.

It is one of the hardest thing to understand. Actually you never will understand it.

There are too many contradictions and the bottom line is life itself really doesn’t make sense. It is just what it is.

One of the things I struggle with so much is being so sensitive to triggers. For some strange reason, a lot of things around me can easily trigger memories that have long been buried within me. As a result I struggle to forget. Thus making me think so much more than the average person. Occasionally I am drowned in thoughts and memories of the past which renders me to live in the present.

RIP Chester Bennington may you find peace in the beyond

Posted in Creativity, Event, Life, lost, Lyrics, Mind - Psychology, Music, Personal, Society, Songs, soundtrack, This May Help U!, Thoughts, Time with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2017 by vixstar1314

Mental health illness of depression and suicide are real things.
It is scary because they are demons others can’t truly hear or see. But for the people who suffer from it, it’s rather constant because the thoughts are always there. It’s so difficult to be able to shut them out and escape.depression.jpg

Over the years these have gotten worse and more and more people suffer from it. On some levels the awareness is being bought to more people’s attention.
Just a few days ago the suicide of : Chester Bennington rocked the world as a whole. Linkin Park’s music had save millions and for Chester it saved him for two decades as well but finally the pain within got too much.

Chester B.jpg

Imagine for him to sing these lyrics that he wrote, must have both been a way of releasing it from inside but also from seeing his eyes during live performances you would notice it was quite painful to associate these words to his past and memories. Music was definitely a hemisphere where he would go to escape and to express so much inside that he had built up.

From the words in many of the songs it clearly depicts his life journey, thoughts, darkness, happiness and emotions. So much power in these words alone. Let alone what was actually going on inside his heart and mind must have been a billion times more.

To have to result to taking that final step of taking his own life after experiencing the outcome of what happened when his friend Chris Cornell took his life and knowing the impact of it all and how hurt and hard it was on his family, friends and fans. Meant he really couldn’t take it anymore.
Suicide is never so clear-cut, you cannot blame the person who did it and you definitely feel so sorry for those they leave behind.

The very scary thing is, from experience I think a lot of people who have or are going through deep depression know that deep deep down they have locked a specific demon away as hard as they can. The demon that whispers to them to end it all. This is one of the hardest thing to do because it continues to fight so often to try to come out.
When I hear the lyrics from Linkin Park’s Leave out all the rest:

“When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest”

I feel like something inside of Chester knew one day if it happened when that demon manages to come out and he cannot take it anymore these words are to all those he loved and cared about to ask for their forgiveness but also giving them the power to continue on without him. Hence why this song is one of my favourite from them because these words are something that echo more than just simple words but stringing it all together provides an explanation on some level.

I truly hope all those gentle souls who were unable to find peace in this world can in the beyond.



It has been a long time

Posted in introspective, Life, lost, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Reads, Society, This May Help U!, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2017 by vixstar1314

I am aware that I have not blogged for several months. I am not sure why this is. I still have lots of feelings and thoughts embedded within me, and still require it to be unloaded. However I may have been trying to not process my thoughts as much as I have use to. Whether that has done me good or not I cannot say for sure.

Anyways I was on the bus recently and I thought of you, my blog. The trigger was from thinking of my past and the super tough time I had gone through many many years ago and how that part of me was still placed somewhere within this blog.

I guess this post is more of a self-reflection post.

Several years ago there was a very long period of time, almost a year when I had fallen extremely deep into a black hole. This was mainly due to someone, but it wasn’t helped with the situations and confusion that I felt during that point in my life. Also because of the way I am and how often I feel more darkness than most so this spiral much further than it should had. Whereby I was left extremely unsure if I could or even wanted to come back up from it. It got to a stage when I had been in it for so long that I started to believe this was the norm and I should just give up on trying.

I must admit I still find myself daily feeling a very strong dark bubble around me, at times like I am struggling to breathe. I don’t believe I have actually tried to put it in words before as such. Well lets just say I get a lot of negative thoughts and that most days I struggle to pull myself out of bed. The thought of it makes me rather sad. However the bad thing is, I know that my life isn’t terrible and nothing is specifically wrong so I should be alright, yet I am not and that baffles me, but I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness within me that I cannot quite explain to myself or others. But over time I have learnt to manage it as well as I could. However every month or so I do burn out and break down. I somehow release the emotions and the cycle begins again.

It isn’t anywhere as bad as it use to be but now I know I can never get rid of it. It is a part of my life.

I believe I have now found a name for it and realised it exists elsewhere aside from within my mind and body. It is High function depression.

Reading this article  on huffington post gave me clarity and made me feek less alone and abnormal. From gaining a better understanding of it I have been able to feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.



Posted in Life, lost, Personal, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , on October 27, 2016 by vixstar1314

There are some really dark stuff within me.
Thoughts, feelings, emotions about my life, life in general, future, the world.
They ain’t thoughts that are dark towards other people. But more really realistic perspective of the world.
It is said that depressed people have the most realistic view of the world. Maybe that is sort of what I have.
I live with these emotions daily. They peak, fall, balance and disappear unexpectedly. At best they linger behind me constantly and come out occassionally.I have done well to coexist with it all to the extent that people around me no nothing of the extent of these darkness within me, that I try so hard to bury.

The crave in

Posted in Event, Life, lost, Thoughts on May 14, 2016 by vixstar1314

When your world feels like it has just craved in.

You are lost for words and even feelings.

When everything feels so numb around you.

The shock, the confusion, the anger, the frustration, the unknown all becomes overwhelming.

Time stops for those split seconds.

However the pain is the only thing that exist in that space.

When it passes it doesn’t feel any better, just more real. More longer lasting.


Where is home?

Posted in introspective, Life, lost, Lyrics, Songs, soundtrack on March 1, 2016 by vixstar1314

I often wonder to myself, where is home?

Which brings me to this home I heard sometime ago……

Lost & Far From Home – Katie Costello

With her head on her pillow and her pain tucked under the sheets

Music playing softly without a steady beat
The TV flickers flames of color; it ignites the room
A black and white face, the colors escape, her heartache

She ran away, so far away
That the streets were no longer paved with lines
The soles of her feet weren’t as tough as she claimed them to be

She wiped her eyes, it was no surprise
That she was lost and far from home, strange unfamiliar signs
Little to coincide, however she packed her bags and made her way
Anywhere her feet could take her

With her arm around her keepsakes and her mind on her mistakes
She climbed a hill – one of a kind, numb to her step, she had to accept
Changed scenery, it was now clear to see torn petals on a flower of her past
Memories she hoped wouldn’t last

She ran away, so far away
That the streets were no longer paved with lines
The sole of her feet weren’t as tough as she claimed them to be

She wiped her eyes, it was no surprise
That she was lost and far from home, strange unfamiliar signs
Little to coincide, however she packed her bags and made her way
Anywhere her feet could take her

With her head on her pillow and her pain tucked under the sheets
Music playing softly without a steady beat, without a steady beat


Posted in Creativity, Life, lost, Personal on February 27, 2016 by vixstar1314

My thoughts and feelings written in letters,

fly around and become doves,

going back to where they belong,

back to its purest form of nature itself.


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