Those feelings and thoughts ~ [[In the EnD….No one can predict…………]] Part II 5 years on….

Those feelings and thoughts that have stayed hidden within for so long,

Should unforeseeable events occur then these feelings and thoughts will not be spoken aloud by me, however then they will appear in the form of words in my blog.

I cannot foresee anything however I am a realist who understands that anything can change and happen in an instant in this ever-changing and unpredictable world, thus I prepare. I prepare because I have read a lot but at the same time I have not said enough. This is a fault in me, where I have expressed many time through my blog. which is I struggle to express many thoughts and feelings it is just the mechanics which I am made of which doesn’t warrant these to be easily released from within my mind and heart. Thus I keep them locked inside of my mind and heart. Occasionally some does come out however a lot is suppressed within me.

Today I had an epiphany to try to release and store some of these thoughts and feeling so that in some way they would not be lost and buried forever if something was to happen to me unexpectedly.

I guess on some levels this post is like the page ” In the EnD….No one can predict…………” hence why I added at the end of this post the title of “[[In the EnD….No one can predict…………]] Part II 5 years on….” As that page was written back in 2009, I can’t actually believe it has been 5 years…

So here goes:

On some level a continuation from [[In the EnD….No one can predict…………]] just 5 years down the line now…

Firstly what has changed?

“You” – on some levels my prediction at that time was right, eventually you would leave my life and it did hit me hard. I am not sure what I had imagined would come of it all. But it was tough. It took nearly over one year for me to really start to be “ok”. And even today as I write this post even though you are not actively a part of my life, I still think about you, you are still etched somewhere deep beneath my heart. It is nowhere near as strong as it once was but it is still present. A part of me wonders occasionally what you are up to, if I ever cross your mind. But I know it is not realistic because the damage or changes that have already happened means that we will never ever be able to go back to what was. I miss that past but I know it is history now.

Where now?

The person who subsequently played a part in pulling parts of me out of the darkness you left me in has allowed me to see parts of myself I never knew existed. Call it intuition or experience but my gut feeling echoes to me that this cannot last, but I know at this moment in time it is good and I am comfortable. After you, I think I learnt to build other types of walls inside of me. To be honest I can’t believe that it is already October. These past few months have been quite numb. The highs and lows have been intense.

What in the future?

On some level I don’t believe in “the future.” Why? Well because I can’t see it. It is not guaranteed there are too many unknowns and unpredictable to the  extent that I am afraid to even plan ahead. This didn’t use to be the case, I use to plan a lot, however life has turned out to be nothing liked I had hoped or expected. In some ways it had caused me to become “jaded” but also more realistic. so as I sit here typing this, I go day by day. Thought by thought. Unsure but more grounded to the now. I really don’t know. It is how it is. I feel as if I am too young or reserved for this real world. I find it very difficult to accept the pain, politics, hurt, evil, messed up so call “norms.” Had the world always been like this, had I just not seen enough before to realise? I am trying to accept it, or at some level see more to try and balance it all out in my mind. It is always my mind and heart to be teared in different directions. Shattering me. I will somehow try to keep moving in this so called world. Plodding my way through the unknown mess….

The below lyrics feels to fit me on some levels. I feel as if no one understands the real feelings inside of me. I feel so deep, I care for others too much, but they don’t see this, as I struggle to turn them into words. I feel as if I don’t belong in this world. This song makes me feel a sense of comfort through the understanding lyrics but a deeper sense of sadness because it will never truly make sense to this world which doesn’t get or understand the true beauty that is inside of me.

“Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)”

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer’s day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free

They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue

Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free

They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night

You took your life, as lovers often do
But I could’ve told you Vincent
This world was never meant for
One as beautiful as you

Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frame-less heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can’t forget

Like the strangers that you’ve met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free

They would not listen, they’re not listening still
Perhaps they never will

 

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