She wants to leave

She wants to leave,

she no longer really cares about her life,

but at the same time there are certain things she cares too much about.

Combining these two together,

results in her days and night being so dark,

that she just wants to stay in bed,

the space where she finds comfort, solidarity.

She stands staring out into the world she use to know,

here_I stand

but now she just sees darkness,

reverse

even though she knows the world should be multi-colors.

Having both the depression and anxiety is insanely difficult,

trying to live and deal with these takes every breath she has.

She only wants to share her thoughts,

so that people who feel and think the same as her,

know that they are not alone.

She said this:

I am no longer scared of the darkness outside,
because I have seen the darkest nights in my mind.
When the impossible becomes possible.
When the howls become so real it causes severe anxiety.

I have always been someone who was nothing or all (the extreme) there was no in the middle, however this was only apparent within me. When I was quiet I completely shut down. When I was motivated I was full steam ahead. I could only see black or white. There was no in between of grey. I was either really logical or really irrational. When I was logical I would be able to analyze every aspect in detail rationally in my mind. When I fell, whether that was for something or someone I would fall hard. Obsessive. Irrational. I was aware of this, yet unable to control it. This caused massive contradiction and pain within me. However the older I got the more reality started to brutally slip in. It was necessary, but I am struggling to adapt to this change. To make matters worse, a lot of key aspects in my life decided to all collapse onto me one after the other. I tried to push on, tried to hold on but it was like all the pillars holding me up cracked and then fell one by one and they got heavier and heavier.

The world is now on my shoulders.

Family. Love. Friendship. Career. Money. All pushing me downwards.

pillars

It feels like it has completely shot me down to rock bottom.

collapsed_broken_shattered

The scariest bit is when I look into the mirror and I barely recognize the reflection looking back at me. I have forgotten how it feels to be happy. It has been like this day in day out, weeks and months went by that it has become the norm. The worse is when I know I am self destructing but I can’t stop myself from destroying the inner me, and now it is starting to show on the outside too, as I start to not care anymore. It has gotten to stages when I zone out. It scares me. I feel so numb. I just drift by each day. Day in day out. No aim. Just that I am tired of going down so many paths but have ended up nowhere and having to go backwards. Back and forth. The energy is leaking. The despair is just growing. I am trying to get up but the process is proving to be very demanding.

I came across the below post and it was very refreshing and true. I am trying to take the advice within it into account, along with the quotes below.

http://christinekane.com/do-you-take-all-or-nothing-to-the-extreme/

In addition, going back to basic: the harder a bouncing ball hits the ground, the higher it will bounce back up. Hoping it is the same theory for life.

rock bottom I

rock bottom II

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