Short Story: Dear Diary, as the hands ticks, as time goes by…

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Oscar Wilde ~ “I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train”

As the hand ticks, as time goes by, I have  lost count of how long it has been without your existence. Year, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, all seem to merge into one painful story: my life.

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A lot has faded away, most of what I want to has not, but all those that I don’t want to has. My eyes have barely shed any tears, but the pain inside I cannot describe, I think if you were to cut me open and actually witness what I feel with eyes, it would be a million shattered pieces. The pain within always outweigh that which is outside. Personally I have noticed that when people are sad they have different methods to try to sooth it. Some binge drink, some cry, some get angry, some take drugs, some self destruct to try to ease the pain. I for one would often write in my diary. Write out all the feelings. Would I say during or after I feel better? There are times yes but majority of time I feel the same after. Maybe a little bit of calm after.

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No one can tell me what I should do. There are just no answers or action that seem to work.  My mind tells me to let go – this is the right thing to do, my heart refuses to let go. I ask God every night before I sleep. I pray for his forgiveness and love. This gives me some peace, I know deep down when the time is right God will let me know. Until then I will endure this pain.

So little around me, now makes me feel a sense of happiness. I constantly feel that most days  I am living in a mundane state. The highs are little and the lows are long. Places and things that in the past have seem very familiar are now cold. 

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