In the middle – being average

I find that far too often I want two mutually exclusive things at the same time, which puts me into hell. Like being tugged in two different directions but ending up being stuck in the middle.
To stand alone surrounded by so much but not feeling like I am truly in it becomes very hollow and deep, almost becoming engulfed into the darkness.
If I try to breathe I will suffocate in stuff that I am supposed to need but it actually does not help.
I  realize that I have never been the fastest swimmer that excels nor the worse to the extent that I would drown so instead I am the floater that is in the middle….. Just floating between waves and falls.
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