INFJ

Posted in Creativity, Event, introspective, Life with tags , , , , on March 27, 2017 by vixstar1314

Lately I have remembered the day when I had the light bulb day discovery.

When 4 seemingly simple letters finally helped me come to terms with who I am.
The day I realised that I wasnt alone or freakishly odd and different.

For so long I wasn’t able to put it into words why I was different.

The day I discovered I was rare but not alone in this world.
When I knew I was special and when so much of my past behaviour finally made sense. The pieces finally started to connect nicely together to bring me some peace.

I managed to find the post of what I wrote when I found out and thought I would share it with you. Maybe an INFJ lands on my page and this article with make them feel less alone and find more answers.

 

“GREETINGS, to other INFJ’s!!! Today I finally realised I’m not innately faulty. I had been trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me for far too long. Finally 24 years later, I’m much closer to being at peace with myself and this world.

I became a TRUE MINORITY but strangely enough it was a big relief. To realise I’m NOT ALONE, (I can finally quote the Michael Jackson song to myself and FELLOW INFJ’s – “You are not alone”)
Even if it is just with another 1% of the population has been great. I’m not the only one.

It has been deeply refreshing to have so much light finally shed on “inner me”, to see so many pieces that I have been clutching onto for so long fall into places in such short time. After being given a definition of what I am, has made a lot of things clearer and easier now, but at the same time it makes a lot of things that much harder because of knowing that the world I am living in barely knows INFJ’s exist and how the world itself appears to “value” all other types more so than the INFJ’s.

I guess people like us may have in the past felt even more alienated, before the “birth of the internet”. With the growing influence and power of the internet it has blown a much needed breath of fresh air into the lives of INFJ’s. We have been provided with a platform to comfortably “drop” and “express” our thoughts, feelings and ideas in ways that were previously not so open. More importantly it has allowed us to find out much more about ourselves, to acknowledge that we are not the only strange fishes in the sea. There are others. Yes it is true that there are not many like us; however the internet has allowed us to “find others like us.”

I have often wondered why I see so much around me and inside me, but have been unable to express it freely with others. There are many times when I need to be alone, to think, to reflect, to collect my thoughts and views of numerous aspects in this world. I didn’t understand why no one around me needed to do the same. (I have never known another INFJ or knew of the existence). Why they constantly need to meet up, socialise and talk. I do enjoy this at small dosages but too much would cause my inside to reach overdrive. I would enjoy hours and even days in the company of myself, to lock away myself from the constant buzz of the outside world. I had previously continuously thought something was really wrong with me inside. I felt as if I had split personalities, because I would find it hard to at times to figure myself out. Around my close friends I was bubbly, talkative, active, funny and at comfort. Yet with people I didn’t know, work colleagues, social gatherings I could not help but zone out, become quiet, shy, awkward and appear anti-social. I knew I was doing it but I couldn’t stop or change. Then there were cases where I would help total strangers and wouldn’t be shy in those moments.

A part of me deep down always knew that I had depth, I was thoughtful, I could see things that others may not notice, there was something different about me, but I didn’t know what nor understand how it worked or why I was the way I was.

Today it clicked into place!!!! *I am an INFJ*

With such qualities that we possess:
articulate
– thoughtfulness
– intuitive
observant
– enjoy music, writing and art (which can be seen as solo activities)
– empathic and sensitivity: through the ability to empathise with the concerns of other people and the world.
– clarify of visions: as we often contemplate the complexity of the meaning of life,future and the world.
– valuing deep and close relationships.
– excellent listeners.

Also comes with it many flaws:
– we can be embroiled in solitude.
– incoherent thoughts
– appear to the outside world as someone who is reserved, antisocial, aloof and distant in communication.
– our brains are constantly thinking and ticking away, which can cause ourselves to feel like we have gone into overdrive mode, leaving us feeling drained and tired.
– being seen as too complex and a sheer mystery that refuses to connect with others, creating lots of misunderstanding.
– only being able to share and connect with a hand full of people
– INFJ’s are not easy to live with.
– as connections are strong and rare with others, when these are damaged or broken it will cause deep pain and distress which can shatter INFJ’s to lengths that are unimaginable.
– being able to see through people on so many levels that INFJ’s are able to sense the good and bad in people and situations can trouble our mindset.

Let’s break it down into notches: for the first time in my life I know you as INFJ’s are seeing the world and my views through the same lenses =)

Family: If I had only realised what I am, then you have guessed right they were not aware of who I am. Therefore being around family members can at times feel very demanding, because they are constantly in the same environment as you, yet you need space very often. So this has not been easy. At times I know they think something is really wrong with me inside. This is understandable, because I thought that too. But at the same time they have not been too accepting. However I guess if you are not sure what you were dealing with it is like searching for something in the dark but not knowing what exactly you are searching for. So it makes it a million times harder to get. For them to get you and for you to get them you need to learn more about each other.

Work: Can be difficult because others don’t understand us, because they have rarely been associated with people like us. Even worse cases, they don’t even know we exist. What hurts most is that we perceive and understand how they see us, what they think we are, but we cannot change this misconception. It is hard to juggle work life if the job you are in clashes deeply with being an INFJ. I know this feeling far too well. Especially since I have been in the work world for about three years without knowing “who I truly am” and why so many aspects seemed so difficult. I pray and hope now that I know I’m an INFJ things may start to change for the better.

Friendship: In the case of your “friends” at times it can be hard to maintain these relationships because you dip in and out of their life, wanting to show them more of you. Furthermore because at times they are so different to you it is hard for them to understand you and for you to reveal yourself and connect with them. However at the same time you do value their friendship. For those that are your “close/special friends” the connection is great beyond words, they are not INFJ’s but they get you in ways that so little people do, you feel so comfortable around them and deeply value these friendships and hold them close to your heart. Unfortunately I can say that one of these friendships I had was severely damaged. The pain was crushing. I didn’t and on some levels still don’t know how to come back from it. Any ideas? Your thoughts and experience are deeply appreciated.

Relationships/ soul mate: These definitely don’t seem to be easy, I have only had a few relationships and each time they don’t last nor work out, I now understand a bit more as to why, from learning that I am an INFJ. Yet a part of me continues to hope and believe that in this complex world there is more out there.

Energy: I don’t know if other INFJ’s feel the same, but I feel in today’s society and lifestyle my energy gets drained quicker. The bursts of energy I experience are short and not often. I am still trying to figure out why that is. I do know there are ways to “recharge” myself but in this “buzzing and busy world” at times this is not easy to do.

View of the world/life and that bigger picture: I see the world as being very complex and needs to be explored and understood yet can never be fully comprehended. But this does not mean I stop thinking or reflecting about it and about life. I continue to want to help others, so much so that sometimes it hurts because I know for a fact that suffering and pain will never end. But I guess every little bit of assistance is helpful and is worth something. I am aware that the world is full of beauty but at the same time flaws.

It was nice to be able to share the above with you, I have felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I hope reading this has given you something in return as much as it has given me calm and peace in writing this. Any ideas, thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated.”

It has been a long time

Posted in introspective, Life, lost, Mind - Psychology, Personal, Reads, Society, This May Help U!, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2017 by vixstar1314

I am aware that I have not blogged for several months. I am not sure why this is. I still have lots of feelings and thoughts embedded within me, and still require it to be unloaded. However I may have been trying to not process my thoughts as much as I have use to. Whether that has done me good or not I cannot say for sure.

Anyways I was on the bus recently and I thought of you, my blog. The trigger was from thinking of my past and the super tough time I had gone through many many years ago and how that part of me was still placed somewhere within this blog.

I guess this post is more of a self-reflection post.

Several years ago there was a very long period of time, almost a year when I had fallen extremely deep into a black hole. This was mainly due to someone, but it wasn’t helped with the situations and confusion that I felt during that point in my life. Also because of the way I am and how often I feel more darkness than most so this spiral much further than it should had. Whereby I was left extremely unsure if I could or even wanted to come back up from it. It got to a stage when I had been in it for so long that I started to believe this was the norm and I should just give up on trying.

I must admit I still find myself daily feeling a very strong dark bubble around me, at times like I am struggling to breathe. I don’t believe I have actually tried to put it in words before as such. Well lets just say I get a lot of negative thoughts and that most days I struggle to pull myself out of bed. The thought of it makes me rather sad. However the bad thing is, I know that my life isn’t terrible and nothing is specifically wrong so I should be alright, yet I am not and that baffles me, but I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness within me that I cannot quite explain to myself or others. But over time I have learnt to manage it as well as I could. However every month or so I do burn out and break down. I somehow release the emotions and the cycle begins again.

It isn’t anywhere as bad as it use to be but now I know I can never get rid of it. It is a part of my life.

I believe I have now found a name for it and realised it exists elsewhere aside from within my mind and body. It is High function depression.

Reading this article  on huffington post gave me clarity and made me feek less alone and abnormal. From gaining a better understanding of it I have been able to feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.

 

Dark

Posted in Life, lost, Personal, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , on October 27, 2016 by vixstar1314

There are some really dark stuff within me.
Thoughts, feelings, emotions about my life, life in general, future, the world.
They ain’t thoughts that are dark towards other people. But more really realistic perspective of the world.
It is said that depressed people have the most realistic view of the world. Maybe that is sort of what I have.
I live with these emotions daily. They peak, fall, balance and disappear unexpectedly. At best they linger behind me constantly and come out occassionally.I have done well to coexist with it all to the extent that people around me no nothing of the extent of these darkness within me, that I try so hard to bury.

Promises And Empty Words

Posted in Life, Lyrics, Songs, soundtrack with tags , , , , , on August 7, 2016 by vixstar1314

“Promises And Empty Words” – Scars on 45

Is there a reason why
That everyone I’ve known never let me down gently?
Between the loss and the lies
I’m always drowned out by silence
Drowned out by silence
Well, every word that you laid
Was selfish, you lass, and it hurt me from the first call
But now I know that I’m saved
You can keep all your silence
Keep all your silence
And no more waiting in a cold bed for you
I’ll never hear another lie fall out of your mouth
Your promises and empty words surround you
Why should I be the one
To give this everything?
If I could open my eyes
I’d know that everything you do never catches me falling
And with the times that we fight
There’s a home filled with silence
Home filled with silence
And no more waiting in a cold bed for you
I’ll never hear another lie fall out of your mouth
Your promises and empty words surround you
Why should I be the one
To give this everything?
And no more waiting in a cold bed for you
I’ll never hear another lie fall out of your mouth
Your promises and empty words surround you
Why should I be the one?
Why should I be the one?

Voice Of A Friend

Posted in Creativity, Life, Lyrics, Music, Songs, soundtrack with tags , , , , on June 7, 2016 by vixstar1314

“Voice Of A Friend” ~ Blue October

Light the fire in this castle
Watch it burn into a glow
By the river fear of quite sincere
There’s a draw bridge life support.
There’s a plank we’ll have to crawl upon
But dare not look below
Where the water scene is crystal clean
Where the clouds are raining snow

Hush hush baby
there’s a lot of other ways to choke
We’re in the freak show now
and we’re dealing with a mind of its own
when too many worlds collide
I’d like to think it would be good if we talked
I ask you to not leave my side
I can’t, man,
This is quicksand alone

So I ask you thru the voice of a friend
Why don’t you stay with me

We’re a submarine submerging
Simply smiling at the earth
We’re sending roses to the loved ones
Who had a hand in our rebirth
But still another day I’ll cling to you
For faint directions home
Where we all will sit with open arms
To block the rocks we’ve thrown

Hush hush baby
There’s a lot of other ways to choke
We’re in the freak show now
And we’re dealing with a mind of its own
When too many worlds collide
I’d like to think it would be good if we talk
I ask you to not leave my side
I can’t, man,
This is quicksand alone

So I ask you thru the voice of a friend
“Why don’t you stay with me?”
I ask you thru the voice of a friend
“Why don’t you stay with me?
Stay with me.”

Feeling like Nothing

Posted in Life on May 29, 2016 by vixstar1314

The scariest parts are when you look into the mirror and you barely recognise the reflection looking back at you. You have forgotten how it feels to be happy. You have been so use to feeling like crap that it has become the norm. You see everyone around you “living” and you are just stuck.

The worse is when you know you are self destructive but you can’t stop yourself from destroying the inner you. On the outside you “smile” but on the inside you no longer have the ability to care about much. It has gotten to stages when you zone out, as it is more comforting to live in an imaginary world. It scares you knowing you prefer the unrealistic to reality. But you don’t know how to stand back up. So much is just so numb. You just drift by each day, day in day out. No aim. Just remembering you have to breathe in and out. You are tired of going down so many paths but have ended nowhere and having to go backwards. Back and forth. The energy is just going in. The despair is just growing.

I just want to start again. In starting again I mean back to the beginning, existence. Or better still never existing.

I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and I have been so broken for so long. I don’t know how to stand back up.

This gives me a glimpse of hope….

Sandra B: “I’ve been on the floor and I’ve been heartbroken. I didn’t know how I was going to stand up. But I just gave it time.

‘You don’t think it will pass when you’re in the middle of it, but it does. I’m so lucky to have what I have. I have a beautiful child and friends and family I adore.’

The Oscar-winning actress credits Louis for helping her to look at the world differently and giving her a new sense of perspective.

She said: ‘I was OK about being alone but when you have a child everything is about exploration and being around other kids and being out in the world and seeing things.

‘So now I see things through his eyes. I haven’t ever gone out and explored and done things before like I have in the last three years.

‘I have the best life right now because I’m enjoying every single moment of this amazing human being. I’m learning how to have a good time through him… I’ve got everything I want, and it couldn’t be sweeter, better or more fulfilling.”

The crave in

Posted in Event, Life, lost, Thoughts on May 14, 2016 by vixstar1314

When your world feels like it has just craved in.

You are lost for words and even feelings.

When everything feels so numb around you.

The shock, the confusion, the anger, the frustration, the unknown all becomes overwhelming.

Time stops for those split seconds.

However the pain is the only thing that exist in that space.

When it passes it doesn’t feel any better, just more real. More longer lasting.

 

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